If You Don’t Like Sarcasm…Don’t Read This!

Disclaimer: I’m not quite finished with this article yet. One of these days I’m going to work on it just a bit more…I’d love to hear your opinion on it also! 🙂

My rant on “safety” rules is titled….drumroll please…

                                          My Parents Hate Me
Well, I found out something amazing today! You see, I didn’t know it, but my parents are insane! It’s so funny I never noticed it before, but all that time Daddy was in medical school and Mum was teaching, they had lost their minds!
You see, I’ve been reading this real informative book on child safety, and it really looks like we were abused. All that cool stuff we did, it was so un-American, I can scarcely believe it!

It all started when me and Dad went rock climbing. Now, in West Virginia, when you go rock climbing, you had better be careful, or you could end up in the morgue. It sounds really fun, but I can’t remember much, seeing I was three. And, to prepare me, he actually had the audacity to teach me strict obedience! No wonder I’ve turned out so weird!!
But, they were always like that. They actually let me go hiking all by myself, in the pasture where the big bull hangs around, out in old barns, ( Okay, Mum didn’t encourage that,) and hanging out around creeks. I go off for hours with no adult supervision or even planned activities! What are they thinking, they even let me go without a cell phone!
Yes, they even let me have a gun and a bayonet, presumably… they wanted me to be a serial killer, since that is the only reason this little book said anybody would want to have guns. Well, I mean John Wayne maybe, but what would I want one for? The temptation to shoot people has never been that strong, but you never know. One of these days I’ll just snap and shoot everybody in sight! Not that there is anybody in sight…
Yeah, they are abusers alright. They let me get up at five o’clock every morning and go milk my cow! Don’t they know it’s violating rule # 67 to let your child work alone in the barn? With a cow? Don’t we all know how cows turn on people and kill them? It’s better to keep a pet gorilla then a cow! I’d say they think we should work. What a ridiculous idea of theirs!   I wonder if they are Communists?

Well, if you haven’t fainted yet, there’s more. One day, when I was 15, those parents of mine left the house at night, they said to buy my sister a bicycle, and we were all by ourselves for almost two hours! Since I read this little booklet, now I know that if we had only looked out the window, we would have seen rapists and burglars and who knows what all….we were just to ignorant. Wow, if only I had known!
Yeah, I know a lot more now. I didn’t know all the danger I was in, and I’ll have to let them know. Let me see….whom shall I contact first? Child Protective Services or the Sheriff?
It’s not about being safe, it’s about looking safe.

Advertisements