Of Cats and Pills…

I found this in a little local paper my grandmother gave me, and slightly edited it to make it more “blogable” ๐Ÿ™‚ It may be under copyright, so please don’t copy it ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s a bit long… but definitly worth the read ๐Ÿ˜‰

How to Give a Cat a Pill

(1)ย  Pick up unsuspecting cat and cradle it gently in the crook of your left arm just like holding a baby. Place right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure while holding pill in right hand. When the cat opensย  its mouth drop pill into mouth.

(2) Pick pill up from floor and drag cat from under the recliner. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat the process. This time hold cat’s mouth closed after depositing pill.

(3) Carefully pick up soggy pill and discard.ย  Pull cat from under the bed, open new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm. Hold rear paws firmly with left hand; force jaws open once more and push the pill to the back of the cat’s mouth with right index finger. Close cat’s mouth, hold shut and massage throat for count of ten.

(4) Call spouse or assistance, or if you happen to be single, enlist the aid of a neighbor. Dig pill out of potted plant and remove cat from dining room chandelier.

(5) Kneel on floor with cat wedged between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls issuing from cat’s throat, get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while using the free hand to force a wooden ruler into cat’s mouth. Roll pill down ruler, close mouth, and rub cat’s throat for five minutes.

(6) Get another pill from foil wrap, pull cat from dining room valance, and make a mental note to buy new ruler. Put curtains and tie backs aside to be mended later.

(7) Wrap cat in beach towel and have partner lie across cat with cat’s head just visible below armpit. Pry cat’s mouth open, place pill in drinking straw, insert straw into cat’s mouth and blow down the straw.

(8) Carefully read container to see if contents of pill are harmful to humans, drink a glass of juice to remove taste from mouth. Apply band-aids to partner’s arm, sponge blood from carpet with cold water, and make note to have carpet shampooed.

(9) Open another pill from wrap, and retrieve cat from hall closet. Place cat in kitchen cabinet, close door onto neck being sure to leave head easily accessible. Force cat’s mouth open with dessertspoon, then flick pill down throat with rubber band.

(10) Get screwdriver from toolbox and put cabinet door back on its hinges. Make a pitcher of lemonade and offer some to your helper. Apply cold compress to cheek to stifle bleeding and try to remember date of last tetanus shot. Throw shredded T-shirt into trash and get another one from laundry room.

(11) Get ladder from garage to remove cat from tree across street. Avoid motorist who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid hitting the cat. Remove last pill from foil wrapping.

(12) Tie the little varmint’s front and back paws together with baler twine. Now tie cat tightly to leg of dining room table. Get heavy-duty leather gloves from shop. Force cat’s mouth open, shove pill into mouth followed by a large piece of steak. Hold cat’s head vertically and follow steak with two pints of water to wash pill down.

(13) Have helper drive you to the emergency room, sit patiently while doctor stitches wounds on fingers and forearm. Sit quietly while pill remnants are removed from eyes. Once back home, call furniture shop and order new table for dining room

(14) Give cat to unsuspecting little old lady and call local humane society to adopt a dog.

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That’s all for now… ya’ll enjoy, and have a good day!

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